A Modest Proposal for Stop Signs

People do not stop at Stop signs anymore. That’s not news. My proposal for the removal of Stop signs is news.

When I moved to San Francisco 11 years ago, I lived in the Haight-Ashbury, and I either walked or took the bus everywhere I went. When I crossed the street, people would stop at the Stop sign—wait for me to cross—and then they would proceed.

Flash forward 11 years and now I’m more surprised when someone actually stops as opposed to narrowly clipping me or slowly creeping up on me as I cross the intersection. This not only applies to people in cars (although Range Rover owners are the worse offenders), it also applies to bike riders. Bike riders are worse at stopping at Stop signs than most drivers. And believe it or not, from my experience, cab drivers stop more often than any other category of people you find on the street. So, kudos to you, Cabbies!

What are we, as a society, going to do about the Stop sign problem? Offering dirty looks to offending drivers only results in either bored looks, or they yell back, saying that they see you. Well, if you see me, then STOP at the Stop sign and quit creeping up on me! It’s just creepy behavior. The cops don’t seem to think of this as a problem. And I would prefer them to be more concerned with real crimes like murder. The Police can spend their time catching Stop sign offenders when it’s their time of month to fill quotas. It would be easy enough to do. All they have to do is park near any intersection, wait five minutes, and start pulling people over. It would be like fishing in a barrel.

My modest proposal is to simply replace the Stop signs with Survival Zone signs. I am a firm believer in calling something what it is, rather than using some cutesy name. Survival Zone signs would indicate to a driver, or bike rider, they are approaching an intersection. They would have two choices: 1. They can take the defensive approach by slowing down, looking around, and proceeding. 2. They can take the offensive approach and simply gun it. The offensive approach assumes that any pedestrians or other drivers will get out of the way. After all, this is a Survival Zone.

As I am raising kids in the city, I can’t wait to teach them to drive. I will definitely teach them that the best defense is a good offense. Look how well that’s working for the Bush administration, the War on Terror, and the War on Drugs; all huge successes. I will teach my kids that aggression in a Survival Zone trumps hesitation, and plus, you’ll reach your destination much quicker by not stopping for pedestrians. Of course, I’ll have to buy them armored cars. Possibly a Range Rover with reinforced steel plating. On second thought, it would have to be a Hybrid-Armored-Range Rover, because we can still be concerned with the environment while running down pedestrians.

How about it, folks? Let’s put this in motion and start replacing the Stop signs with Survival Zone signs. We’re already acting like intersections are a Survival Zone, now let’s start calling it like it is.